Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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