I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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