I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
