I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
