God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Let's get the cat blown out
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
