aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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