i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Come see our sink grown plant.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
