Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
