omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
