my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
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When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
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She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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