3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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