I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
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Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
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Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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