Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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