If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
