Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
