Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
