Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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