my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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