hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
