Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
