hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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