i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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