I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dick very happy bro
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
