I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
