Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
