i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
