My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All the doctor said was why
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
