I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
