I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
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She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My ass is underappreciated
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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