shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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