you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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