I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
