new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
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He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
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I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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