I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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