also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
