God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
