my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Oh god it's open bar.
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