you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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