i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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