why do cheetos always look like penises
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
