I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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