I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
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i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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