yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
