The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
