Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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