I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
