worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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