i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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