how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
