The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
