what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
