so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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